Thursday, May 21, 2009


The title for this post is appropriate for several reasons:
1. It is in French.
Currently I am taking a French course. Normally you take this strenuous course over a period of about four months - I'm taking it in about seven weeks. In other words, it's the closest thing to an immersion program that Provo can offer.
2. Roughly translated the phrase means Metro-Eat-Sleep.
This describes my monotonous existence perfectly. I get up early to study French, work, gorge myself with unhealthy food and sleep. If I'm lucky I can get home early enough to watch my newest neflick.
It's sad when the highlight of my day is a neflick.
Perhaps I should add the french word for "lame" at the end of this phrase.
Or perhaps while it literally means Metro-Eat-Sleep, the fact that one's life can be summed up in three unoriginal words translates into a colloquial euphemism for "your life is lame".

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Twenty Things To Do In Las Vegas

Believing in the romanticized Hollywood version/perspective of the world leads to disappointment - and this includes the flickering lights of Vegas. While in Vegas I searched for the dapper high rollers and sexy Brad Pitts and George Clooneys who are attempting to rob a casino. This quixotic Vegas does not exist. However, here is a list of twenty things to do while in Vegas to make an adventurous and interesting holiday. I checked off all of these twenty items on my list and I hope that you can do the same.

Twenty Things You Must Do in Vegas

1. While driving from Provo to Las Vegas, listen to music that keeps you awake and singing.
80’s music is highly recommended.

2. Get at least two people to make insulting hand gestures at you for your aggressive driving.
Also count the number of times you would like to return the favor , and conclude that there are a shocking number of imbeciles on the roads today.

3. Leave the gas pump connected to your gas tank and drive off only to realize what happened when you’re merging onto the freeway

4. Go well over the speed limit, but make sure that you also have some serendipitous way of escape getting pulled over: more disobedient drivers or a pressing accident.

5. While in a traffic jam in Vegas, make sure to discover that your gas tank is well below empty . Warning: this step often causes one to sweat anxious bullets by analyzing every uncharacteristic shudder your car makes.

6. To fill up your empty tank, take a random exit and tour the Hispanic ghetto area of Las Vegas. Do not worry about getting lost or being rusty on your Spanish, because the street names translate into Spanish and English simply and productively: letters of the alphabet in alphabetical order.

7. Go off every wrong exit within the Las Vegas area.

8. Go to your friends beautiful wedding reception at the Red Rocks Country Club to dance and eat free food.

9. In a furious rage, throw your car into reverse and knock over a street sign at the sophisticated Red Rocks Country Club.

10. Drive down the strip and observe the ridiculous unattractive pastiche style of Las Vegas.

11. Tour all the famous hotels on the strip and observe how the real Paris, Venice and Forum in Rome are better.

12. Gawk at the pornographic outfits worn by pedestrians.

13. Avoid looking at the ground and creepy people when you walk. And when I say creepy, this often applies to everyone that you will see walking around on the strip at night.

14. Have a brilliantly hilarious time by observing numerous intoxicated women trying to walk in high heels.

15. Walk into a random bar to sing “Sweat Caroline” with a group of women waving their hands in the air.

16. Drive back to your hotel after two in the morning. Even if you don’t drink any alcohol, this list guarantees that you will feel inebriated. To know if you have done each step properly, compare yourself with my friend Cari down below. If you are not quite at this pathetic level, you have are slacking.

17. Get only a few hours of sleep and drive your friend to the airport at 7 in the morning.

18. Come to the realization that you have seen everything you want to see of Vegas and decide to say goodbye to “sin city”.

19. Grab a burger and fries at “In & Out” and eat it outside in the sunshine.

20. Arrive home and take a shower to get the metaphorical grime that sticking to your soul and the literal residue of dirt and sweat on your skin.